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Pete Hegseth

    Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone

    WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced...

    Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’  

    WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no...

    Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line

    ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday...

    Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery

    WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps...

    Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines

    ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday...

    Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

    WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an...

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