Only 2 Dead In Bearable Tragedy
DOVER, WI—In an incident local residents have described as more-or-less tolerable, authorities announced Friday that only two were dead in what many were calling...
International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it...
Downed U.S. Airman Rescued From Iran
A U.S. Air Force officer who went missing after his fighter jet was shot down over a remote area of Iran has been rescued,...
Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window
The post Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window appeared first on The Onion.
Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil’s Mom
NEW YORK—In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings...
340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise
WASHINGTON—In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched...
Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer
WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was...
Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz
The post Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion.
Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World’s Largest Ball Of Twine Into...
KENT, WA—In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin...
Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To...
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan...
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5 injured, including students, in shooting near the University of Iowa
5 injured, including students, in shooting near the University of Iowa
Trump tells ABC News peace agreement for Iran ‘will happen one way or another’
President Donald Trump spoke on Sunday to ABC News' Jonathan Karl.
2 soldiers injured in brown bear encounter during Alaska training exercise
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is investigating what it says appears to have been “a defensive attack" by a bear that had...
