Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It
DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers...
Tips For Supporting Public Media
The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media.
Contact your senator with thoughts on the...
CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds
LANGLEY, VA—In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central...
Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation
The post Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation appeared first on The Onion.
What To Know About Hantavirus
Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need...
God Discontinues The Pebble
THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday...
Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture
SADDLE RIVER, NJ—Saying “Down, down!” in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that...
Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath
LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed...
Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face
WASHINGTON—In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday...
College Vs. Trade School
Amidst rising costs and concerns about long-term prospects, more young Americans are forgoing traditional higher education paths in favor of vocational schools. The Onion...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
