Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It
The post Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It appeared first on The Onion.
Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened
The post Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened appeared first on The Onion.
Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles
SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student...
Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner
The post Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner appeared first on The Onion.
Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo
The post Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday...
Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended
EDMOND, OK—Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem, local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday...
Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke
The post Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke appeared first on The Onion.
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
