WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine that bright young students—at an Ivy League institution, of all places—could be capable of such grotesque behavior,” said Missouri resident Kara Lanchester, reiterating the thoughts of 340 million Americans who, according to sources, froze in disbelief upon hearing that the world of academia contained a dark undercurrent of abuse. “While this was likely an isolated, one-off incident, I just hope it’s a wake-up call for other schools. Colleges everywhere had better become vigilant or, God forbid, sexual assault might happen on their campuses, too. Let’s nip this in the bud now before it happens a second or even third time.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation was put at ease upon realizing the perpetrators would no doubt serve life sentences in prison for their crimes.
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