WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The technologically advanced plumbing fixtures, some of which retail for as high as $25,000, are said to have initiated the sequence simultaneously in upscale bathrooms from Seattle to New York, their lids rising into the air at a glacial but steady pace as their state-of-the-art LED lighting systems flashed red. According to sources, thousands of affluent smart toilet owners were frantically flipping through their user manuals and mashing buttons on their wireless remotes to no avail, while others who had been in the middle of using the sleek receptacles when the countdown commenced were left quivering on the floor with their pants around their ankles, murmuring “Not me, please, no, not me” as the toilets reached reached “10…9…8…” At press time, reports confirmed the toilets had all reached zero and announced, “Flush complete.”
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