School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute.
Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail.
Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both.
If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a three-row SUV to ensure safety on the road.
Don’t cut through the old Guilford place. That plot has a shadow upon it.
Remain seated while the school bus is moving unless something cool is happening behind you.
Leave your fox, chicken, and grain at home to avoid any possible river-crossing problems.
Only accept rides from strangers whose vehicles have a NHTSA five-star safety rating.
Follow the path of the wing’d crow, for it surely knows the way to James Polk Elementary!
Avoid walking past dangerous places along the way, like schools.
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