WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. “The House will come to order—oops, hold on, one minute,” said the Louisiana Republican, appearing to perspire heavily as the mallet once again slipped from his hands, which were trapped inside two heavily padded, leather-bound gloves that reportedly deliver an electric shock anytime he attempts to touch his genitals. “Come on, come on. You’ve got this, Mike. Actually, can someone help me get these off? You’ll need to message my son on Covenant Eyes to get the key.” At press time, sources confirmed Johnson was yelling, “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!” and running out of the chambers after the stress of the ordeal caused him to develop a visible erection.
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