PHILADELPHIA—Attempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis García reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. “This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field,” said García, nervously gripping a baseball bat in case he needed to defend himself from the bug-eyed, pear-shaped monster, who then climbed down from the dugout, hopped onto an ATV, and began speeding across the outfield grass. “There’s no way a monster is just driving a quad across the field, right? Like, this doesn’t happen in real life. Bears don’t jiggle their bellies like that. Am I hallucinating? This is really freaking me out.” At press time, García had reportedly checked himself into the MLB player assistance program to get mental health support for his delusions.
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