CULVER CITY, CA—Amidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely suave ferret. “Some of the biggest names in Hollywood are in the running, but a dark horse contender from Petco is making a big impression,” said the anonymous source, who noted that producers of the spy franchise were enchanted by the small, long-bodied mammal named Noodle the moment he slunk into the audition. “Jack Lowden or Regé-Jean Page may seem like obvious choices for the new 007, but Noodle has that je ne sais quoi. There’s an air of mystery in those beady eyes. Sure, he’s not British, which might upset some fans. But he’s signaled he’s willing to do all his own stunts as long as there are treats nearby. And you’ve got to admit he’d look great in a bow tie. Besides, we’re leaning toward casting a fresh face, and this guy is only 1 year old.” At press time, Callum Turner was reportedly squeezing himself into a burrow to appear more ferret-like.
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