RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home. “Oh no, I can picture him practicing it all by himself in his apartment, psyching himself up to debut this little performance tonight,” said Lowe, who smiled at Brown despite the devastating mental image she confirmed he was evoking by loosely swinging one arm back and forth with his eyes focused on the ground in a melancholy gaze. “Matt is not a spontaneous person, so the gusto with which he launched into that unmistakable, Muppet-like Morrissey voice on the first note of ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’ tells me that he probably watched tons of Smiths footage just to prepare for this. I can see it now—swinging his hips in front of the mirror, doing trial runs along to YouTube karaoke videos, believing this would earn him the respect and adulation of his peers. I want to cry.” At press time, sources reported the audience had fallen silent and become extremely depressed as everyone imagined Brown painstakingly studying the rapping portion of TLC’s “Waterfalls.”
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