Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia
WASHINGTON—Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no...
Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine
BETHESDA, MD—Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing, President Donald Trump decried the...
‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film
The post ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film appeared first on The Onion.
Pete Hegseth Shaking With Rage After Imagining Plus-Sized Astronaut
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. “Ugh,...
Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup
The post Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup appeared first on The Onion.
Harvard Caps Number Of A Grades
Faculty at Harvard University voted to set limits on the number of A’s awarded to students, citing the need to curb grade inflation. What...
All About That Lace
The post All About That Lace appeared first on The Onion.
Player Profile: Jannik Sinner
Top-ranked tennis player Jannik Sinner arrives at the French Open on a 29-match win streak, having recently swept six consecutive ATP 1000 titles and...
Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody
PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
