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Home Vol 61: Issue 17

Vol 61: Issue 17

    Federal Regulators Hold Celebratory Seatbelt-Cutting Ceremony

    The post Federal Regulators Hold Celebratory Seatbelt-Cutting Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

    Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione

    The post Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione appeared first on The Onion.

    RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety

    WASHINGTON—Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the...

    Fancy Feast Recalls 1 Million Cans Of Food That Cats Just Kind Of Stared...

    ST. LOUIS—Apologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million...

    Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination

    CAMBRIDGE, MA—Uncovering a troubling disruption of America’s ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly...

    Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department

    Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called “bloated” and “bureaucratic.” What do...

    Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose

    VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope...

    Drake Catches Himself Singing ‘Not Like Us’ In The Shower

    The post Drake Catches Himself Singing ‘Not Like Us’ In The Shower appeared first on The Onion.

    Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs

    MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on...

    FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason

    SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a...

    Latest article

    10 men at large after escape from New Orleans jail

    Eleven adult men escaped from a New Orleans jail and all should be considered armed and dangerous, officials with the Orleans Parish Sheriff's Office warned.

    Over 70 million Americans on alert for severe weather, tornadoes

    Destructive, long-track tornadoes are possible on Friday as over 70 million Americans prepare for potential severe weather.

    Porn would become crime under Republican proposal

    (NewsNation) — A new bill introduced by Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah, could make porn a crime in the United States. The Interstate Obscenity Definition Act...