Megan Fox Confirms She And New Baby Will Co-Parent Machine Gun Kelly
LOS ANGELES—Expressing relief that they were both on the same page about custody, Megan Fox confirmed Friday that she and her new baby would...
Babysitter Finds Real-Life ‘Monster’ Under Child’s Bed
While trying to reassure a child she was caring for, a local Kansas babysitter was shocked to come face-to-face with a man when she...
Trump Assures Wall Street He’ll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon
WASHINGTON—In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go...
Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel...
WASHINGTON—In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip...
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Chuck Schumer
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his...
Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn’t Added Expansion Team To Sign Him
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that...
Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles
The post Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles appeared first on The Onion.
Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time
The post Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering
WASHINGTON—Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the...
Communion Wafer ‘Miracle’ Turns Out To Be Bacteria
Following a biochemical analysis, parishioners of an Indiana church were informed that the red substance on a communion wafer they thought to be the...
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Cardinal Vincent Nichols expects a ‘mood of reflection’ at his first conclave
As he prepares to enter the seclusion of a conclave to elect a new pope, Cardinal Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster, reflects on...
A vanished kingdom comes alive in the songs of griots and a new archaeological...
The legendary west African kingdom of Kaabu has long been memorialized in the songs and stories of griots. That's inspired archaeologists to excavate the...
From dogs to rabbits, NPR readers share how adopting shelter pets impacted them
National Adopt a Shelter Pet Day is on April 30. To bring awareness to the day, the Up First newsletter is sharing some stories...